12:09 a.m. | 2003-07-29
The 5 Finer Points of Thinking

1) He used me, whether it was just for sex, or in his more innocent way of feeling wanted, needed, and accepted. I was used. When he told me I was sexy, he didn't mean it. He knows when you say that to girls, they melt. Not to mention the age of girls he's around, we're all the most vulnerable pieces of work ever.

2) He has some serious problems, and he doesn't know about them. He says that what he hates the most in life is when a girl rips his heart out and tugs him around without any regard for it. I almost had the nerve to tell him that's exactly what he does. You're a heartbreaker.

3) I'm not sure if I can be in a friendship with him because he exudes nothing that says he cares. Perhaps it's the length of time; perhaps it's the fact that I think he's too good for me. But I don't feel it. I can not talk to people for years, and still think that they care about me. I've known him for a month, and even though we talk rather often, I don't get that vibe. I feel bad about that.

4) I'm not going to make any decisions or take any action unless I have to, and this time, I'm acting for me. I'm gonna put me first, and I'm not going to take baggage like this to Boston.

5) I feel empowered when I explain things like that. I sat here in bed, speaking out loud at a pillow, that I was laying with, and I just started telling it how rational I've been, and why I've been at times irrational, and why it's unfair that he does what he does. And why I'm not upset at him, or with him, just, I want to help.

k