7:37 a.m. | 2003-08-07
What a Difference a Day Makes

Believe me when I say I know it's 7:30. Believe me when I say, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing, and don't have a plan. Believe me when I say that I'm upset, or unhappy, or overjoyed, because for that moment, I am. That's why it's 7:30, and I'm here.

I came home from watching a movie and began to frantically run around my house. I hadn't changed my sheets, but I had cleaned up a bit. I thought, I mean, I really thought that he'd come over.

I went and picked him up, we came back here, we had coffee, we talked, and chatted about the inane. And again, somewhere around 3 AM, something happened. Walls went down, something just, it fell. We no longer talked about crap, that is still worth talking about, but it became deeper, it became real.

By 4 we were pretty well into it, and he had said something about his mother. I'm not sure how to take her yet, I want to truly not believe him, I want to think she's a better person, I don't think I can bring myself to do that. She had hurt him so much. To the point where he's numb on the topic, he even said, "I feel bad." I asked why, he replies, "I feel bad because I'm sitting here, and you're pouring out your heart, and, I just feel numb."

I didn't know what to say. At first I thought at all, this entire time I had been around him, had poured my heart out to him, he hadn't felt it? I knew he was lying, I saw the glimmer in his eye, or the tear that fell as he sang something. I'm not blind.

It turns out that he was just numb about his mother, and it came out later, as I painfully cried, without too much emotion to him, like I had before, that I felt completely to blame for so much in my life. And that I hoped, to the best of my ability that he could see that my parents did the same things as his, and that I felt bad. I hope he sees that.

As I was sitting there, I remembered how I had felt when I thought about saying goodbye. When I...I would kiss him sweetly, leave all feelings behind and say, that was worth it. And have this feeling, and I couldn't describe the feeling at the time. I have that feeling now, though. I'm sitting here, completely content that I know how he feels. He cares for me, he loves me, he thinks that I deserve a lot. Which, compared to what I see, means so much. I'm completely satisfied, I don't want to change it. I'm happy. He didn't do anything to hurt me, I believe that.

I wish the best for him, and I was planning on walking up to him tonight and saying, 'You're amazing, and you're so wonderful, but it hurts to see you hurting yourself like that, and I think I'm going to have to be selfish for once and end this. It hurts to be your friend, and I don't think I can take that anymore.' As I sat there thinking about it, I paused, and thought, you know, if I do that, I'm still going to care, but I won't have him near me. It didn't matter which road I chose, I couldn't stop caring.

k