2:48 a.m. | 2004-02-29
The Change: Part 4 of 4

*Disclaimer*
--This is part four of a four part series--

Dad got better, though. The years of nightly fighting are gone. We now drive in cars for days together and we’re CIVIL. More than civil, I stop being prissy, and he stops being stuck up and we discuss philosophy and history and all those things I love.

He pays for college, yes. But I’d die without him in my life right now. We’ve gotten closer. It still makes me disgusted to hug him—and I pull away every time and he barely gets any kind of touch in at all. Right now it disgusts me to think of it. Perhaps I’ll get better with that. I see all these old men around me (apparently I’m with some HUGE group of old people on an outing who are all related in some manner—I see a lot of WWII jackets and hats etc), and I can’t help but think that my father’s getting there, and how terrible it’d be for him to grow old thinking that I hate him (he knows I don’t), or just in generally not knowing how I feel.

So mommy was—mommy. She wasn’t there, and when she told me I did well I didn’t trust her. She used to tell me to “stop using that IB logic on me Lauren!” I’d sit there dumbfounded. It’s simple logic. We don’t think the same—we clash. So when she’d say “great job on this essay,” (keep in mind I’ve asked her to read over a total of 2 essays in my life, out of the close to 75 I’ve written) I wouldn’t believe her. Who’s she to know Dostoevsky? Camus? Kant? Anything of importance? So I got no reciprocation there. Plus the berating about my physical character did not help.

Daddy was there, not there, happy, angry, etc. He offered me things, but he didn’t really raise me when he started going nuts. Now he’s better and I’m to assume that he’s changed forever. Maybe. I don’t know. I still see hints of the old him.

So I have this need to fulfill, and that’s what this is all about. I have this need to make myself wanted and needed, ‘cause they didn’t. Perhaps I’ll get over it as I get older. Perhaps I’ll change my image and be happy with who I am.

All I can say at this point is that I’m me; and in that same statement that I’m changing. I don’t know who or what I’m turning into, but I for one am excited to see where this goes. The only thing missing is someone to be at my side as I smile to hold my hand.

Any takers?

k